Welcome to (your veterinarian's) automated telephone system!
To make an appointment, please press 1.
To tell us your life history as well as your pet’s before making your appointment, please press 2.
To speak directly to a veterinarian, press 3.
If you feel your pet’s condition warrants pulling a doctor away from the patient he/she is currently seeing or operating on, press 4.
For a listing of the doctor’s home telephone number and beeper number, please press 5.
To schedule emergency after-hours surgery, press 6.
If your regular veterinarian is on vacation, press 7.
If your pet’s condition has persisted for 2 to 6 months but has suddenly become an emergency and he needs to be seen this evening after 6 p.m., please press 8.
For a toenail trim on your 100-lb aggressive dog, press 9. If it is before 7 a.m. or after 7 p.m., please press 10 for our treatment technician’s home phone number.
If you would like us to hold a cheque for you until the following month, please press 11.
If you would like us to postdate a previously held postdated cheque, press 12.
If you would like us to mail back your postdated cheque so that you can send us one for less money, or to make other payment arrangements, please press 13 for our office manager.
Also, press 13 if you need to bring in 10 unvaccinated puppies with vomiting and bloody diarrhea and you have $10 in your pocket.
If you have been on hold for 10 minutes, press 14.
If you have been on hold for 20 minutes, press 15.
If you have been on hold for 30 minutes or longer, press 16 for the receptionist or e-mail her at email@example.com.
If you are under stress and need to project your anger at someone, press 17 for a receptionist.
To determine if your pet’s condition (i.e., hit by car, grand mal seizures, or unconsciousness) is serious and it needs to be seen today, press 18. Our team of experts are standing by waiting to debate the issue with you for as long as it takes.
If your animal has not eaten in 10 days, press 19.
If you have accidentally taken your animal’s flea control pill or heartworm medicine, press 20.
If your reptile (snake, Savannah monitor, iguana, chameleon, etc.) has been living in a dark, 30 degree room and has not eaten in 60 days, press 21.
If you have a 200+ lb pot-bellied pig or other large farm animal, please press 22 for drive-through surgery service.
If you live in a rural area and your “rock walder gots the mange,” press 23.
If just want to talk, press 24 and our receptionist will set up a private home appointment for you with a vet.
If your mouse was eaten by your snake, your snake killed by your cat, your cat attacked by your dog, and your dog was kicked by your horse, please press 25.
None of these numbers will give you a real person, but they’ll take your mind off your problems for a while. Our automated telephone service allows us to serve your pet’s needs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week!